Monday, November 21, 2005

monday morning

i want to change....i have become someone that i don't like, and i think that's the worst feeling you can get for yourself.
i know i have very low self-esteem and no matter how hard i workout i can't seem to feel good about myself. i've read in some article that exercise will help you boost your self-esteem, self-confidence and depression. but i don't think it's working for me. i have no outlet. i have no friends here. i know some people, but i can't say that they're my friends. i want to fix my life. i want to do it for my children. i don't want them to see me like this and think that this is how a person should behave. i want to inspire them to become someone later on in their lives. i want them to have a life that they really want.
everything that has happened in my life is all my doing. i know that. but i feel trapped in doing it. the only thing i can control is my weight and how i eat. i just hate what i have become.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

just new

this is all new to me..
i have so many emotions inside that i'm too scared to write down in my personal journal, because someone might "accidentally" read it...that would be too embarassing.
thank god for bloggers! i can just hide in my own little world yet be free to to shout out my happiness, pain, fear and sorrow...
i'm married and have 2 kids but right now i haven't really found myself....other people believe that i shouldn't be complaining about my life, just because the pressure is not on me to provide food on the table. all i have to do is take care of the kids and the home. and i don't have an immediate family who keeps on asking money from me and rely on me for their daily living. i appreciate that and i'm very grateful, but i guess i was always an achiever and being financially dependent to my husband is destroying me. i can't work where i live right now because of discrimination. i understand my husband about that, he doesn't want me to experience the frustrations this country would give me...
just can't wait to get out of here and be in a place where people won't judge you by your race....